Shroom
by DeadlyFriend
Summary: Complete plotless nonsense.


"Far as I can tell, doc, they was actin' all funny after they got up."

"Purty purty purty…"

"Put that down, sir. It's dangerous. No, no. Dan-ger-ous."

"Iss shiny…"

"We was cornered, an' ain't no chance to get 'em cover fire, so's Moony there…"

"The Moony and the Brain, the Moony and the Brain, one is a genius and t'other's insane…"

"Riv… River, put that down now. There's a good girl. Now, back on the bed… No, no, that bed. That's right. See how comfortable it is… There we go… Carry on, Jayne."

*ahem* "As I was done sayin', Moony here just' comes outta nowhere all zoomy an' all, jumps over Zoe here an' torpedoed her own self at the cap."

"Cap… That's me, right? I'm the captain?"

"Yes, sir. You're the captain."

" _Ohhhh_ … Do I have a vice captain?"

"Yes, sir. You have a… Does he have a vice captain?"

"No, I have a bird. A purty birdy in the… Girdy?"

"There's no such thing as a girdy, stupid… Or is there?"

"Don't you be callin' the captain stupid, missy. Or-or there'll be troub… Is there a girdy? What if the birdy's stuck in the girdy?"

"Then it will be a dirdy birdy stuck in the girdy."

"Hee!"

"Carry on, Jayne."

"Well, n' they was down for five minutes afore they started firin' all willy nilly like, and just bein' like they are now. They was giggling, too."

"Captain?"

"Huhhh?"

"Happy birthday!"

"Now them is shiny… Bouncy, too. Can ya jump?"

"Holy god, River! Pull your dress up right now! Nobody needs to see those!"

"I do!"

"This?"

"For the love of… That was _not_ what I meant, River."

"Now tha'ss purty pink n' n' stuff."

"It's get shiny, too. Wanna see?"

"Yeah!"

"NO! No, I meant no. The captain does not want to see anything shiny. Least of all _that_."

"I was just trying to be nice and share. I know my manners. Unlike _some_."

"There are times and places, mei mei. This is neither the time nor the place."

"I got some shiny. I should share. Manners is polite."

"No, sir. No, you do not have a shiny."

"Jayne? Are you okay, Jayne?"

"Jayne's down, doctor."

"That's probably for the best. Can you tell me if you saw them eat or drink anything? Or maybe inhaled?"

"Now that you mention it… There were a couple of trees where they went down."

"Ooh, down to shiny. I can go down to shiny."

"No, you can't go down on shiny, sir."

"Fairy toadstools you think?"

"Could be. Hope not."

"Why can't sir go down? He's the captain."

"Because sir ain't his right mind. An' neither are you."

"River's is right. I'm the captain. Y'ain't the boss of me."

"And you got a dirdy birdy to get out of the girdy."

"Hee!"

"The only way to know for sure is to run a pH test on any fibres or particles on their hair and clothing. Fairy toadstools can't be identified once ingested, as the stomach acid breaks down the…"

"I'm injured. Captain, I'm injured. I have a hole in my shiny."

"... COMPOUNDS THAT MAKE UP THE…"

"No need to yell, doctor."

"I is comin'."

"I think my shiny's raining now. The bush is all wet."

"You yell away, doctor."

"... FAIRY TOADSTOOL. IF THEY DID INGEST…"

"Look, River. Shiny fingers."

"They look so pretty when they catch the light. Like a rainbow."

"Doc? Doctor? Great. Now the doctor's down."

"Wha'ssat? No doctor? But what about River's hole?"

"You're making do, sir."

Zoe glanced from the petrified doctor to the equally petrified Jayne, and then back to the captain and River, unsure as to what was more amusing.

Mal taking a straight spanking to his pi-gu, or River's saucer wide pupils that said she could probably see sound.

Well, at least it would keep them from flying the boat into an asteroid or something.

"What's going on? I heard Simon yellin'… " Kaylee pushed all knuckles against her mouth to keep from giggling at the sight across the infirmary. "Is that the cap'n an' River?"

"That it is." Zoe paused for a moment as her gaze was drawn to the image recorder hooked over the mechanic's right shoulder. Revenge always was a dish best served cold. "You gonna set that thing up?"

"You don't mean to say…" but the woman's eyes went wide in consideration. "But that's mean!"

"Oh! A post holer! For digging holes for posts."

"I post hole deep. See?"

"I've had two hours of this, Kaylee."

That made up Kaylee's mind quick sharp. "Where shall I set it up?"

"Get 'em a good view of the cap'n's post holing."

"There."

"You get Simon, I'll get Jayne. Any of that engine wine left? Could be we need a bit."

"Ohhhh, _captain shiny_..."

The mechanic grimaced. "Could be we need it all."


End file.
